Scintillant-H

HOIHOI! A good wonderful hello to everyone this Thanksgiving I wish you all the fewds <3

Y eah, I'm "back again", lol.
But... in an odd "not really but really" way, I'm better than ever. Hey, it may not sound like it makes sense (and if it does to you because you been there you have my deepest sympathies) bUt it means Im strong enough that I really MAY be back back

I know now... I've been... douchely in the past. I really didn't know it at the time and any negativity at the time/as a result was seriously unintended. That, however, does not change what happened and any damages by it. I know I've said similar in the past, and meant it, but that was for other things. This is... we're all blind to shit for a while, and even some of the things I still don't see yet, I know they COULD be there or have a vague feeling that they ARE there. I'm also rereading some old journals (for a reason) and... man... I can't believe some of the things I would say sometimes, even while having good intentions.

Today, when we're all supposed to be grateful for things, I'm truly grateful for the people who put up with me through the years. Even more grateful for those who are still around, adsnhlssvhshjkaflft, ya'll are friggin SAINTS</b>
bless you
bless your accounts
bless your cow
May you have the BEST FUCKING THANKSGIVING EVER, even if you don't celebrate (/at this time). <33333



GLITTERGRATEFUL

-Hal

Yes, I'm getting stronger bit by tiny bit. I'm still wrestling with depression killing my interest in things i love, but staying connected to friends is helping. Hopefully with more monthly data I can be on dA more to do that with people here.

I really wanna start something like daily or weekly dry erase board doodles. It's been a to do thing for years, lol.





Glitterselfcare

-Hal

there. I said it. Not killing myself (trying really really hard  to fight that off) so no, it's not like this is my final letter.

i just dumped. everything. Everything in my message center. Normally, I keep it there until I have time to sift through it and fave the pics, comment on journals, etc... If time has been pressed for a long time then I cherry pick hte journals, but I still try to pay attention.

today is... bad. Really bad. "I can't beliueve how bad' bad. Typo ridden bad (lol...). I can't make the back of my throat untighten and I might throw up bad.

This is one reason I haven't been here or making art for a while except a little thing here and htere. Art does make me feel better, but depression is a motivation killer. hot weather keeping my from turning on hte compute doesn't help either. I've been trying to game a lot to mend the damage day to day (yaaaaay Animal Crossing ) since I have little that makes me feel good and I feel like someone with a physical illness who's always without energy, always too weak to do anything, always in pain, and always limping wherever I go. Actually, depression does all of htat to you physically except the limp. So far, (lol...).

I've had this problem for years but it was never THAT bad. Maybe I;ve been underestimating it too much. Helping it sneak up on me. this last year has been so hard. I never thought it would get this bad. it's to the point where if I doln't do something soon I might end up doing something so awful. i don't even want to. I just don't see a point in going on and everything hurts. Even when I'm happy, it's still there, hurting. I've been relying on cheap coping mechanisms these last few months, but my latest one isn't working (pretending I'm already dead so that I can't kill myself because I'm already dead).

i'm trying to remember what I've said in past journals so I'm not repeating myself. I can't remember so much. I swear, depression is doing that, too. Filling my head up with so much pain htat it makes things  harder to remember. All I remember is yesterday's pain. And how stupid this must look with all the typos that I just doln't have the energy to correct. Anyone following me on facebook knows about this already. I can' keep it obttled up so long then it just has to come out. It becomes a day of depressing posts about depression and pain and hten you find out who your friends are. Of all the relatives in my friends list, only ONE ever even sometimes comments on those posts. one family member. Thats' really really discouraging. It's nice that I do have several friends who care, but what the hell with the faimly who DON'T?? I'm not about to go around slamming anyone who doesn't support me, it's just staggering, all the relatives in my friends list and only ONE has anything to say... It only furthers who little I matter. And, hey, I don't mind mattering a LITTLE, if anything it's nicer than mattering too much (when you're popular, ebveryone's watching whewn you fuck up, lol....) but when it just doesn't seem to nbe there at all or in such small amounts that it's like food: so little that even when you're grateful for that tiny amount, it's still too little to live on. You still starve to death. i made that comparison in high school once, though things were only bad back then mostly thanks to a really nasty bully (not part of my life anymore, thankfully) and nothing like now.

i hate talking about my pain. I know I have to, it hurts so much more when I don't, ubt I sound like a whining moron and I hate it. Then there are assholes out there who lie a bout things like having cancer or suicide just to get away with shit and/or get sympathy for hteir overinflated egoes. Man, I don't want to sound like them...

ugh
anywy

I'm sorry if I dumped someone's help journal (and here I am sorta making one, yay hypocrisy) or important something or ohter

sorry for the typoes--some of which are the new library keyboards htat suck and i SWEAR it's got to be partly them because I NEVER had this much trouble on hte previous keyboards

sorry for any worry. I'm feeling a tiny bit better after typing all this. I have one thing to live for and it's to keep my mother from haviung to bury her child (a pain few understand--nothing matches it). After she's lived her life and gone to Heaven, I have no more reason to live in constant pain with no value to anyone but me. yes, I know, a few people will miss me and THEY value me, but I have no purpose. They like me (must be crazy...lol...) but after some mourning htey'll get over it. I'm not THAT important. I hate to put my friends through pain, I really do, but mental breakdowns aren't fun and it just huerts too much.

I HATE THESE KEYBOARDS, ARG. IF I GO TO HELL HTESE KEYBOARDS WILL BE THERE WAITING FOR ME I SWEAR.



glittersad

-Hal

Not yet at least, lol. We all have to go sometime.

Anyway, yeah, the car broke down, sort of, and then I had laundry problems keeping me from the library internet as well as weather issues making it too hot to use the computer (because I love me compy and don't want it to die)........ but honestly, the biggest problem has been my depression and such issues. It keeps me from things I love and has been steadily getting worse over the years. this last year has been an extra hell, and it's not even Trump's fault (but I'm saying everything is Trump's fault because the other side was always blaming Obama for every little thing, so fuck it EVERYTHING IS TRUMP'S FAULT). I'm sorry, I hate sounding whiny or as if I'm making excuses, but if I can't art I can't art. However, I was lucky enough to have some strong days mixed with good weather so I finally got a commission done!!

I feel so awful that they had to wait so damn long when they've been a frequent and very kind customer I made them a background and a wide screen wallpaper version for free.
^ know that this is MY decision and if I choose to not do such a thing for another customer, that is my choice, thank you. Please respect it. I have my reasons for choosing to go above and beyond wherever I see fit.




GLITTERRECOVERY

-Hal

Have a seat. Enjoy the weather. Help yourself to some lemonade or sweets. :bademoticon:





Glitter comfort
:bademoticon:
-Hal

I wish my actual back porch looked like that...