Not that I ever gave very "great" things anyway, but...
My computer's been slowly dying on me recently. Being a laptop from 2002, I'm lucky it lasted as long as it has. But now, it won't let my SAI program open files anymore. It'll pull up the file, but open it as a blank. It's got the correct width/ height, but it opens as a totally white page, no matter what.
If I start a SAI file, I can't save it, because when I do, it opens all the layers as blank white layers. Nothing saves. If I try to save it as a PNG or JPEG, or anything, it tells me there was an error.
I can do little things, then copy paste them into MS paint files, but that's ALL I can to. My computer's clipboard, thanks to it's "health" problems, is VERY small. I can't copy-paste big things or it'll plain kill the computer. Overheat it.
I have no choice anymore. My computer is just too far gone to handle it. Until someone hands me a new computer (psh, sure...), or I win a contest (haha.... yeah right), this is the fat lady clearing her throat to tell us all: "IT'S OVER."
It'll be sketches, pixels, or small chibis from now on. At least until the whole computer shuts down and deletes all my works completely. :C
I know this is by far the least of my life problems, but my art and the ability to make art were one of the things I had which made me feel like I wasn't completely worthless... loosing this was a huge blow.
Bigger than I can find words to describe.
My life has taught me to just pick up and continue on with what you've got. I can... but man. This hurts. I thought about taking a commission where the payment was a new (or somewhat used) computer, but I can't DO the commission without the computer. The one I've got certainly can't handle it. I'd have to say "yeah, send me the computer first, then I'll get the art to you..." and who in their right mind would agree to that?
I'm gonna peak around a but more. I'll store all my SAI files on a cloud storage site and await the day I get a new computer. Even if it's used and just "new" to me, personally.
Maybe I can find something. I know I can't, but it's my art, man... I've lost just about everything else in my life, I can't stand to lose my ability to complete that.
You know, it hurt when my cat died. It hurt when I found out, thanks to the bank being douchebags, we have to make a duoble house payment this month, so we're gonna be hurting financially that we may only get one meal a day. This winter is going to be REALLY hard on us. All about money... but I could do some art and not feel worthless. It's not the same as people telling me I'm not worthless. Angst can argue "yeah, they only TELL you that because they're trying to be nice... you're STILL worthless." But when I can make art, I can PROVE to angst that I'm not worthless. I can be productive somehow. It's the one thing I can do when I'm depressed, when I'm in pain. But now that it's gone, I have nothing.
This is a depressing factor that I just can't get past. Just... "art" and "gone"... aw man... life fucking SUCKS sometimes.
Huge bummer. I wanna sit in a corner and mope... which I may as well do, since I can't digink or color my art anymore. I want to cry, but I know there's no point, and I'm sick of crying over money, hunger pains, Mom not being able to afford her heart medication, dammit I'M TIRED OF CRYING.
I want to be able to be OPTIMISTIC about something for once.
But there is no light at the end of this tunnel. Just a brick wall. I want to beat the hell out of it, thinking maybe it just LOOKS like a brick wall, maybe it's a balloon made to look just like one. Maybe it'll pop and there'll be the light with some shining solution... and then I slap myself for being a moron.
Then I slap myself again for thinking that wanting a solution is "being a moron." It's not being stupid to want some fairness in life, to want to save yourself and/ or be productive. It's not being a moron for an artist to want to make art, and be completely crushed when you find that you can't anymore.
Well... maybe it's time for me, pencil and paper to start spending more quality time together. I've been meaning to do that, but it also means that you wonderful deviantART people won't get anything in color for a while 'cept maybe some small chibis that my MS paint program can do (without killing the computer further) or some pixels.
Hell, I've been through worse things than this and held my chin up. I'm an Outhouser, for crying out loud.
Something like this? Be the end of me or my ability to carry on? PSH!
I'm still crushed.... I really am... but it's not like this is the only computer in the world. I'll get my hands on another one someday.
not so glittery...
I've asked my brother if he has an old computer lying around that he doesn't use or need (he's always tinkering with something and having scraps laying around, I'm sure) or if he knows someone who's maybe getting a new computer and they're getting rid of their old one. I don't expect anything to come of it, but it's DOING something about the problem. Or... trying
to do something, at least.
* edit 2;
Heard from my brother. He has no 'extra' computer and doesn't think he knows anyone who does.
well... didn't hurt to ask.